Supreme Court Reaffirms Dred Scott 5-4; Blacks Ordered Re-Enslaved

Emancipation Proclamation, Thirteenth and Fourteenth Amendments Ruled Unconstitutional; Ruling Returns Former Slaves to Descendants of Slave Owners

Today, in a ruling that legal observers called "stunning," "unprecedented," and "bat-shit insane," the Supreme Court declared that the Emancipation Proclamation and Thirteenth and Fourteenth Amendments are unconstitutional and that the infamous Dred Scott ruling still has the force of law. In Thurmond v Sharpton, the Court said that subsequent amendments to the Constitution and presidential proclamations abolishing slavery are invalid because they constitute unconstitutional infringements of state rights and the property rights of slave owners.

The case, brought by the heirs of the late Senator Strom Thurmond against Al Sharpton and all other members of the Sharpton family, was the first significant attempt to reinstitute slavery in the United States since the Emancipation Proclamation. Most sane observers said that the Thurmond family had no chance of prevailing in their attempts to re-enslave Sharpton and his kin. "The very idea is idiotic and nonsensical," said Jeffrey Toobin, CNN legal analyst and Constitutional scholar. "No court in America would even consider returning African Americans to slavery. Not even Al Sharpton. This is the very definition of a nuisance lawsuit."

Others, however, said that a ruling in favor of the reinstitution of slavery was not unexpected in light of other decisions handed down by the Roberts Court.

"When the court overturned Brown v Board of Education and declared the Voting Rights Act unconstitutional, it was a signal that no regressive move was out of the question," said Jonathan Turley of George Washington University. "After they struck down the Nineteenth Amendment and stripped the right to vote from women, we all knew something like this was coming."

The Thurmond family persevered in pursuing their case, despite being laughed out of lower courts. Their appeal to the Supreme Court, which was handled by Kenneth Starr, resulted in today’s landmark decision. In their ruling, the majority said that the Federal government had acted unconstitutionally in forcing slave owners to release their slaves after the Civil War. According to the justices, the Thirteenth and Fourteenth Amendments are unconstitutional because the framers clearly recognized the institution of slavery within the Constitution itself and never intended that it be abolished. Had they meant to outlaw the practice, argued Chief Justice John Roberts, they would have included a prohibition against it in the Constitution. Since the drafters of the Constitution did not abolish slavery, Roberts concluded, Congress had no power to do so.

"Some would say that this ruling is ridiculous, an abomination, an affront to the law and human dignity," Roberts wrote. "Some would be wrong."

According to the ruling, the descendants of slave owning families have the right to seize any and all individuals determined to be descendants of their ancestors’ former slaves. Those African Americans whose ancestry cannot be determined are to be taken into custody by Federal authorities and sold to the highest bidder, with the proceeds being placed in a Slave Owners’ Compensation fund. White Americans whose ancestors once owned slaves are entitled to claim part of the fund, which is expected to raise billions over the next few years.

An executive order signed by President Giuliani, which administration officials said had been readied in anticipation of the Court’s decision, directed Federal marshals to assist local police in returning Blacks to their owners. "It’s going to take a little doing," said one Justice Department official who requested anonymity. "But it won’t be any harder than deporting all those immigrants to Mexico last year."

 

Immediately after the ruling was handed down, Federal marshals entered the chambers of Justice Clarence Thomas and took custody of him. Thomas, who appeared to be stunned at the results of the decision, was heard shouting, "But it wasn’t supposed to include me! I’m exempt! I’m exempt!" Thomas was said to be headed to the plantation of Senator Trent Lott, who had filed a claim for him even before the Court made its ruling public. "I knew Clarence could be relied on to serve his masters," said a smiling Lott, standing on the steps of the Capital. "Dumb darkie," he added, chuckling.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi vowed to enact legislation to re-free the slaves as soon as possible. However, passage of such legislation is now doubtful because the entire Congressional Black Caucus was led away from the Capital in chains this afternoon. Sen. Lott claims that he owns every Black Congressman from the South, though that claim is disputed by Senator Saxby Chambliss(R-GA). Only Senator Barack Obama remains free at this time, though some Republicans have questioned whether he might also be enslaved due to his African ancestry. "There is Constitutional support for it," said Governor Hayley Barbour (R-Mississippi).

Many Blacks appeared ready to defy the ruling. A group led by the fugitive Sharpton, Queen Latifah and Stevie Wonder are said to be organizing an Underground Railroad to lead Blacks to freedom in Mexico. Shaquille O’Neal led a flotilla to Cuba, where Fidel Castro’s communist government said it would welcome the boat people with open arms. Governments across Europe, Central and South America have encouraged African Americans to flee to their countries, where they would be granted asylum and allowed to live in freedom.

Some newly enslaved Blacks applauded with the ruling, however.

Former White House aide Ron Christie, appearing on MSNBC, supported the Court’s decision. "It was absolutely the right decision," said Christie. "As everyone knows, Blacks were much happier as slaves." As he was taken into custody, Christie chanted old Negro spirituals with a smile on his face.

Commentator Armstrong Williams, formerly an aide to Thurmond, also hailed the return to slavery and urged other Blacks to accept their fate. "As slaves, we’ll be a valued commodity and receive the best of care," Williams stated. "A good master is what we should all be praying for. I’ve already arranged for the Thurmonds to buy me. Al Sharpton is crazy if he can’t see how good we’ll have it."

A bidding war has already begun for some of the more prominent free agent slaves. An anonymous billionaire has offered a sizable amount for the NBA champion San Antonio Spurs; the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Miami Heat are also hot commodities. Former President George W. Bush is said to be negotiating with a family in Alabama for Condoleeza Rice. "I already owned her soul," Bush said. "Now I can own her body, too."