My Candidate, He Has A Flavor
Sat Dec 29, 2007 at 06:58:25 PM PDT
Yes, he does. His flavor is both manly and refreshing, like a combination of jalapenos and whipped cream. He’s the flavor of the moment, and everyone wants a taste.
He also has a wonderful, masculine scent, a mingling of tobacco, fine leather and moth balls, with just a hint of whisky. Men swoon and women gasp when they catch a whiff of his musky fragrance. Whole packs of male reporters follow him everywhere, so entrancing is his odor to members of his own sex. (He’s even had to hire Blackwater to keep Chris Matthews at bay.) Trips to the bathroom can be an adventure, to say the least.
When he was a lad of ten, my candidate once defeated two dozen ninjas and a whole platoon of Communist invaders single-handedly, all before breakfast. Afterwards he aced his Molecular Biology and Conversational Mandarin exams, then delivered his dissertation in Astrophysics. (He’s a rocket scientist, too, don't you know.)
In his first week at law school, my candidate won a landmark decision against the greedy insurance and oil companies that have raped and pillaged this great land of ours. This victory gave his clients – a family of orphans from Appalachia – $50 billion and the rights to all the land west of the Mississippi. Then he championed tort reform to prevent that kind of abuse of the courts from ever happening again.
He’s so kind and good that he wipes his followers’ feet with scented oils, and then dries them with his long, silky hair.
He tugged on Superman’s cape and spit into the wind, and lived to tell the tale.
His tears can’t cure cancer, but just touching the hem of his garments has been known to cause spontaneous remissions. That is why his rallies are so packed and his clothes are so tattered; everyone just has to touch him.
Yes, my candidate is all that and more. He’s tasty, fragrant, strong, gentle, masculine, brilliant and all around wonderful. And that’s why you (and you, and you, and you...) ought to vote for him. What more could you want in a candidate?
Crossposted at lolhumanz.com
